In Parshas קדושים, the תורה discusses the מצוה of giving תוכחה
לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך, הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך….
The פסוקים continue
לא תקום ולא תטור את בני עמך
And then finally
ואהבת לרעך כמוך
It seems clear that there is a direct link between the מצוה of תוכחה, the איסור of נקימה, and the obligation of ואהבת לרעך כמוך. What is that direct connection?
The רמב”ן, when explaining the מצוה of תוכחה, explains the sequence of the פסוקים:
When experiencing a valid grudge against someone, our natural tendency is not to express our feelings, but rather to remain silent, while keeping the feelings of hurt inside. While ignoring our feelings of hurt may seem like the correct way of dealing with a grudge, the תורה actually discourages that practice. When resentment stews inside a person, it can eventually come to the fore in an explosive and angry way, resulting in more hurt to ourselves and others. Instead, when feeling that we were wronged, we should voice those feelings, allowing the perpetrator the chance to explain themselves or, alternatively, to apologize for their actions. This will clear the air of our negative feelings, allowing love and friendship to be restored.
We can now understand the sequence of the פסוקים here:
לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך
When experiencing hurt, don’t walk around boxing those feelings inside. Instead:
הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך
Voice your pain, and have a discussion about what happened. And the תורה continues:
לא תקום ולא תטור את בני עמך
If you fail to speak up and voice your feelings, those feelings will fester and grow, resulting in נקימה-taking revenge, or נטירה, expressing bitterness. This is when the hurt party expresses himself through sarcasm, stating ” Unlike other people, I’m happy to do a favor.” This type of passive-aggressive behavior, results in prolonged animosity and bitterness, and is exactly what the רבש”ע does NOT want us to do.
What stops people from voicing their feelings in a respectful way, and instead resorting to bitterness, and passive aggressiveness? It’s the feeling of “I don’t have the right to speak up for myself. I’m not important enough to stand my ground.” This feeling of inferiority and false modesty is toxic and, as noted, brings about an endless cycle of bitterness, negativity, and further hurt.
We can now understand the final פסוק in this sequence:
ואהבת לרעך כמוך
If you really want to love your fellow Yid, and live a life of אהבת ישראל and שלום, there has to be a sense of כמוך-yourself. Believe in Yourself, and in your rights as a person. Speak up and validate your feelings and concerns. Every person is special and unique and is entitled to dignity and respect. And then, with those healthy feelings of self-worth, you will be able to love your fellow as yourself, giving them respect and kindness.
We’ll conclude with a story that highlights this point, shared recently by Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz, a well-known Rav in Woodmere. “Around four years ago, I received an email from the wife of a former congregant. She wrote that that past Shabbos, her husband had returned to Daven at our Shul, along with her father, who was visiting them. To her great disappointment, the Gabaim did not give her father, a guest visitor, an Aliyah. The lady complained that she found this behavior very offensive, and took it as personal affront. ‘You surely didn’t give my father an עליה, because we are no longer paying members of your shul, and that’s wrong.’ She concluded by saying, ” I don’t want to keep my resentment festering inside of me, and so I chose to voice it instead to you, the Rav.”
Continues Rabbi Lebowitz: “I responded to the email: Thank you for voicing your concern and feelings. You are absolutely right in doing so. And please note- there were no personal feelings involved in the decision to not give your father an Aliyah. Since the begining of COVID, for safety reasons, the בעל קורא got all the עליות. This week, for the very first time, we decided to give out עליות,but only to those individuals whom we knew to have gotten both COVID vaccines. And since the second vaccine was only recently released, we assumed your father did not get it, and thus as a matter of safety, he did not get an עליה.”
Concludes Rabbi Lebowitz: ” The lady responded with an apology, and a firm commitment to try to practice being דן לכף זכות in the future.”
When we speak up for ourselves, we are promoting, not preventing, real שלום.
Weekly Parsha Shiur 